An Outsiders Guide to Working with the Avengers
by Captain Parkour
Summary: Rules and guidelines on living and hanging out with the avengers. Better summary inside. Please R&R. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hello there! Below are a list of rules to follow when interacting with the avengers. Each chapter should consist of about 20 rules give or take a few. If you have any suggestions for a rule or would like me to write a story to go along with a previous rule let me know by reviewing. As always I own nothing and everything belongs to marvel and Disney. Enjoy and please R&R

1) do not make pop culture references that Steve won't understand. IE anything from after the 1940s.

2) do not touch Starks coffee machine. He's very emotionally attached to it.

3) never speak directly to Natasha on fear of death.

4) never so much as look at Clint on fear of death. (Natasha is very possessive.)

5) NEVER introduce Clint or Thor to a new tv series. They won't be seen until the watch every episode, blog about it, and read as much fanfiction as they can get their hands on.

6) if you want Clint to like you, give him anything with insane amounts of sugar (he has a secret sweet tooth)

7) if you bake Steve an apple pie, it lets him know that you're willing to listen and he will smile this small smile and tell you stories of Bucky, the army, and his childhood. And for the rest of the day he will have a smile on his face and a skip in his step.

8) never set Steve up on a blind date, it doesn't end well.

9) nobody threatens Dum-E, You, or Butterfingers except Stark.

10) Unless you can afford a new tv playing wii with any of the avengers except Bruce is forbidden.

11) every Tuesday at 4 is culture night for Steve and Thor.

12) never challenge Bruce to a chess match and win. The other guy doesn't like to lose.

13) Stealing Thor's pop tarts is considered a serious crime punishable by having Mjolnir sitting on your chest for an entire day.

14) two words: prank war. You've been warned.

15) never play Russian roulette with Romanoff. Enough said.

16) Don't laugh at inside jokes unless you understand them. (A general rule for life, but it does apply with the avengers)

17) don't touch Barton's bow under ANY conditions. Last person who did still hasn't been found.

18) never play frisbee with Steve's shield. He's very attached.

19) iron man is a million better times better than batman.

20) if involved with DC in anyway, please leave

(/)(/)(/)(/)(/)  
A/N: hoped you enjoyed them. As always please R&R. Suggestions always welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N someone requested an explanation of rule 2, so here it is, also I'm writing this on my iPad so I apologize for any mistakes. Also, everything I write is unbeta'd.

(/)(/)(/)(/)(/)

Rule #2. Don't touch Starks coffee machine. He's very emotionally attached to it.

(/)(/)(/)

It was just an ordinary June morning at Stark tower. The avengers were sitting around, eating breakfast and preparing for the day. Steve was sitting at the head of the table reading the paper, while Thor and Clint sat on his left wrestling for the last pop tart. Bruce sat to Steve's right, drinking herbal tea, and Natasha was sitting next to him reading a thick book that no one could pronounce the name of. That's when it happened, the event that will go down in history as the day Stark finally lost his marbles.

Something was violently slammed onto the table causing everyone except for Natasha (stupid spy) to jump in surprise. The object lying on the table was some kind of strange looking machine, and standing behind it was one angry looking billionaire. "Who. Used. My. Coffee. Machine?!"

Natasha raised an eyebrow and left knowing Stark wouldn't be so stupid as to accuse her. Bruce picked up his mug and slowly walked away muttering something that sounded like. "It's too early for this." Clint and Thor continued to wrestle for pop tarts, which left Steve to calm the ecstatic billionaire down.

"Stark, what's the problem now?" Steve asked as he rubbed a hand across his face. Bruce was right, it was too early for this.

"Someone used my coffee machine, changed the settings, and now it only brews chocolate lattes instead of delicious coffee! I demand that the person who did this comes forward and confesses!"

"Stark, you're a self proclaimed genius, can't you just fix the coffee machine yourself?"

"Not until the culprit comes forward and confesses!" Stark slammed his hand angrily on the table causing the coffee machine to rattle.

Steve, knowing that Stark wouldn't let this go until he found the 'culprit' agreed to help him, "Fine. Let's go."

Steve led Stark into the living room and sat him down on the couch. "Now, let's think about this rationally. We can automatically rule out Thor since he can barely function the toaster without burning the entire tower down. Clint does love to pull pranks but he doesn't have a death wish, and even he knows not to mess with your coffee machine. Obviously I didn't do it because, although I'm adapting to modern times, I still don't know how to reprogram a high tech coffee machine. Natasha could've done it, except she just got back from a mission this morning and has been gone for the past month, so she had no time to sneak into your workshop and tamper with your coffee maker. That leaves Bruce, and you and I both know that Bruce would never do something like that. So, who do you think that leaves?"

"Well," Star, scratched his chin in thought, "the only person you didn't mention is me."

"Precisely." Steve folded his arms across his chest.

"But that makes no sense! Why would I tamper with my own coffee machine?!" Stark threw his hands into the air.

Steve smiled smugly as he left the room with a befuddled Stark sitting on the couch, "Why don't you ask JARVIS?"

"J?"

"Sir, you changed the coding on the coffee machine last Tuesday while intoxicated. Apparently, your drunk self thought it was hilarious."

"Oh."

(/)(/)(/)(/)

A/N: I should have the next twenty or so rules up soon. Thanks for everyone who reviewed, favorited, and liked! Please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: thanks to everyone who faved, followed, and reviewed. Here's the next rules. Enjoy! and as always please R&R. Anyone who suggested a rule will have their name put in brackets next to the rule. Thanks so much! Also I'm sorry if any of the rules repeat. It will eventually get hard to keep tack of what I have and haven't said yet.

21) never take Steve to a strip club. Why Tony thought that it would be a good idea is a mystery. Although, Steve's blush is pretty adorable. [Soccerstar0198]

22) Never ask Natasha where she buys her hair dye. Aparently, she's a natural redhead. Yeah right. [Soccerstar0198]

23)Never call Clint's Legolas action figure a doll, even if it is one [Rainclaw]

24) never switch out Bruce's herbal tea for flavored coffee. Bruce on caffeine=repairs needed to half the tower

25) Never switch Starks coffee with instant coffee.

26) in general, just don't mess with the Avenger's morning drinks.

27) Never insult Loki in front of Thor. (Even if he is a freak show with daddy issues)

28) Never ask Thor if he can take you flying. He gets a little too excited about seeing you nearly throw up.

29) Never ask Bruce how Betty is doing. At first it looks like the other guy might make an appearance, then he tears up and refuses to leave his room for days.

30) Never walk around holding a kitchen knife asking, "Do you want to know how I got these scars?" While speaking like the joker from batman.

31) Never willingly play paintball with Clint. He's called Hawkeye for a reason.

32) never drink Natasha's special Russian vodka

33) Never start a drinking game with Steve (super soldier serum remember?)

34) never program Jarvis to play _cold as ice_ whenever Steve walks into the room. Apparently the capsicle jokes are as far as he'll let it go.

35) Never ask Tony if you can see his Captain America shrine. He'll stutter, deny having any kind of shrine, and trip and fall until he can scramble his way out of the room.

36) Never ask agent Coulson to see his Captain America teddy bear. He says he doesn't have one, but everyone knows that he does.

37) never ask to see Darcey's taser. She'll show you right after she tasers you.

38) Clint keeps a very detailed list of the people he's killed. Never try to find it.

39) Natasha keeps a list too. Her's is longer and hidden even better

40) never play dance dance revolution with Thor. He gets into it s little too much.

(/)(/)(/)

A/N: thanks for reading and please R&R


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: thanks for all the lovely reviews! Keep those suggestions coming! Here's the next 20 rules! Rules 41-46 are curtesy of Naisymoon

41) Never crawl into the air conditioning ducts. Clint gets possessive of his "secret passages"

42) if you do crawl into the air conditioning duct, bring lots of sugar. Clint loves sugar

43) Clint will hide in the ceiling tiles with nerf guns. Watch your back

44) never ask Natasha how to become sexier. She will take you seriously and your mind will never be the same again.

45) if Thor or Steve ask what a threesome is, do NOT reply under ANY circumstances

46) if Natasha or Tony offer to show them, lock them in separate rooms

47) never introduce Thor to My Little Pony. He really gets into the "colorful flying creatures" [Rainclaw]

48) never try to prank Natasha. It doesn't work. And her wrath really isn't worth it. [Black Thorn]

49) Bruce is surprisingly patient, which means he will always win in hide and seek

50) Never play hide and seek in the tower

51) any kind of paintball weapon is banned from the Tower and the Helicarrier

52) Thor is not allowed to answer the phone unless it's one of the avengers. That poor telemarketer will never be the same again

53) Stark is forbidden to buy Dominoes. As in, he is not allowed to purchase the company no matter how much money he offers.

54) Steve is not allowed to volunteer at an adoption clinic. He brought home 5 dogs, 4 cats, a parakeet, and a Tarantula. The tarantula has yet to be found.

55) Never let Steve go on a modern talk show by himself

56) Natasha is to be kept away from the kitchen when she's angry. She likes to throw kitchen knives at people who piss her off.

57) Never curse in front of Steve, he goes into "parental mode" when you do.

58) Bruce secretly hordes chocolate chip cookies

59) on valentines day, Clint will go around shooting people with suction cup arrows while wearing a diaper. It's best not to question it and just ignore him.

60) never compare Clint to Robin Hood. He gets very defensive.

(/)(/)(/)(/)  
A/N: please review! Also, if you want any rule explained, from this chapter or another, please let me know and I'll do it as soon as I can. Please also keep those suggestions coming! It helps me know that people are interested! Thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm sooooo sorry I haven't posted in FORVER, but I've been so insanely busy with school and I'm honestly typing this at like 9 at night, which doesn't seem that late, but I seriously need at least 9 hours to function otherwise I'm just a zombie the next day. Anyway, as always please read and review and feel free to suggest any rules or explanations. (/)(/)(/)(/) 61) Tony is not allowed to buy Thor pop tarts in bulk. That much sugar running through an Asguardian is not good. [soccerstar0198] 62) never eat all the pop tarts. Don't ask why. Just don't. [guest] 63)never take away Clint's nerf bow [Rainclaw] 64)never bring a tarantula into the tower then lose it. Natasha likes to find them and keep them as pets [NorthernShinigami] 65) don't let Tony buy patriotic colored ice pops and relabel them, 'Capsicles'. Steve was touchy for the rest of the week. [Wolfie] 66)don't watch doctor who while Tony is in the room. He'll either spend the whole time making fun of the tech, or he'll go down to his lab and actually try to build whatever was in the episode [Wolfie] 67) actually, don't let him watch doctor who at all. He just nitpicks it to pieces. [Wolfie] 68) on second thought, Tony is NEVER allowed to watch any kind of Sci-fi movie with cool tech in it. There are still burn marks from the phasers in the walls. 69) always give Pepper flowers to show you appreciate her. Without her the world would probably end. [Black Thorn] 70) never question Clint and Natasha's relationship, especially in front of Tony. It does not end well. [Black Thorn] 71) if you play Black Sabbaths "Iron Man" whenever Tony walks into a room, it'll put him in a good mood for a while. 72) if you break the coffee machine, don't try to replace it without telling anyone. Stark will notice and you will most likely start a war 73) Steve keeps a list of things he needs to catch up on, never sit him down and start rattling off every pop culture reference from the last five years. He gets this deer in headlights expression that is absolutely adorable 74) no one knows how Natasha's hair is curly one day and perfectly straight the next. 75) there's a theory that she sleeps in curlers, but Clint has denied this. She also doesn't straighten it. How could she, she doesn't have any time to between keeping her male avgers in line and saving the world? 76) never hide in the vents above Natasha's room to see if her hair is magical. 77) still no one knows how she does it 78) Tony and Bruce have their own language that they made up and only the two of them know. 79) Steve is about 89% sure that Tony and Bruce's language is just a bunch of technical terms that no one but them understands 80) never question Thors intelligence. He is actually extremely smart. (-)(-)(-)(-) A:N/ so I'm thinking of making 100 rules. It depends on how much support and feedback I get. Also, Sierra Wood, I know you requested some explanations and i promise I will get to them as soon as I can. As always please review! I love hearing how I made you laugh! Please feel free to leave requests! Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive! 


End file.
